Whispers of What Ifs
by preciouseternity
Summary: Contains One Last Time; A series of oneshots all revolving around Will and Tessa and their feelings for each other. More details inside. ON HIATUS.
1. One Last Time

**A/N: I have decided to make this into a series of oneshots all revolving around Tessa and Will's feelings for each other. They will be in no particular chronological order; I will just write them as they come to me. I will tell you when they occur though, to avoid confusion. Not all will feature Tessa and Will directly, but all will involve them indirectly.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Infernal Devices nor any of its characters. Cassie beat me to it ;)**

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**One Last Time - The day of Jem and Tessa's wedding. Will visits Tessa while she is getting ready. WillxTessa  
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**EDIT: I have deleted all uses of the word 'okay' and changed all "alright's" to "all right" so to preserve era accuracy and correct usage. I will do the same to the other chapters. Thank you to TheForgetMeNot for bringing that to my attention. I hadn't even realized I did it. Nasty habits!**

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One Last Time

Tessa stared at herself in the mirror. The gold of her dress shimmered in the candlelight; it was raining heavily, the skies darkened with black clouds. She fingered the delicate material, moving it gently between her fingers, trying to convince herself of the reality of this moment. Marriage. With Jem. It was surreal. She clamped her teeth together, willing herself not to cry. Ever since she had burnt herself, the tears just wouldn't stop. She had wanted to cry so badly then, now she wondered why.

The door to her bedroom opened slowly. Tessa didn't turn her head, she knew who it was before he even closed it behind him. There was a part of her that wanted to run to him, bury her face where his shoulder sloped into his neck. She wanted his strong , sure arms around her, clutching her close the way they always did. But there was another part of her, a more dominant part, that wanted to keep her distance from him, to tell him to leave. That they shouldn't be alone together anymore. Not because she was marrying Jem, but because of how they felt about each other. It was dangerous.

"Will," she sighed as he appeared behind her in the mirror. "What are you doing?"

He ignored her question, his eyes taking in every inch of her, body and soul. "You look beautiful," he whispered, his voice so raw it almost brought tears to Tessa's eyes.

"Stop," Tessa said lowly. She softened her voice and continued. "You can't look at me like that. Please, don't." Her mouth began to form her next words, but a wise part of her told her not to speak them. _I can't handle the way you look at me, it reminds me of your love for me. And my love for you._

Will shook his head. "It was an observation, Tess."

Taking a deep breath, she turned to face him. He was breathtaking, as always. His angular jaw and piercing blue eyes never failed to melt her. But underneath the striking exterior was exhaustion. She could see it in the way he stood, less arrogant and more weighted than usual. She could see it in the darkened circles beneath his exquisite eyes. It hurt her to see him like this, and to know she was the cause of it.

"I'm sorry," she told him softly. "Not for my decision, but for what you've had to go through." His jaw tightened visibly, his eyes going somewhere distant. "It's cruel, the cruelest thing I've ever heard, and I wish with all my heart that you never had to deal with that. But I want you to know that you're the strongest person I have ever met. If you can get through five years of that, you can get through this. I know you can." She ducked into his line of vision. He suddenly came back to her, his eyes dulled with painful memories. "Will, you're going to be fine."

His eyes met hers. They stood there, staring into each other's souls for a moment. It was so silent, Tessa thought she could hear her heart beating. Subconsciously, she grasped at the necklace around her throat. Will noticed, looking down at her hand.

"Are you happy?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. "Right now. Are you happy with the choice you've made?"

She looked away from him, focusing her gaze on a candle across the room. "Yes."

He nodded slowly. "That's all I can ask for."

Tessa returned her gaze to his face, startled. Was that really all he wanted? For her to be happy? He'd rather that than for himself to be happy? _Of course that's what he would want_, she told herself silently. _He's been unhappy for such a long time, he forgets what happiness is. He just knows what it's not._

"I didn't make this decision because of the way you treated me, Will. I didn't make it to spite you or hurt you. I would never," she shook her head. "I _could_ never do anything so horrible to you. Or Jem. I did it, because I wanted to. I _want_ to. I did it because I love him."

The soft skin between his eyebrows creased ever so slightly. "Why are you telling me things I already know, Tess?"

Her lips parted. In all honesty, she had no idea. They'd already had this conversation, they'd already discussed what this marriage meant for them. He knew why she did it, and she knew. So why was she saying it aloud once again?

She jumped as his fingers grazed her cheek. "You don't have to do this," he told her. "Not if you don't want to. Not if you're not ready."

Her eyes fluttered closed, his light touch sending shivers throughout her body. He was the only person who'd ever made her feel this way. Just one touch and she was gone. "I can't be with you," she whispered, eyes still shut. "It's not right."

"That's not what I'm saying," said Will, his voice closer than before. "I'm saying that if you are not ready to be married, you don't have to be. You can call off the wedding or postpone it. Jem would understand."

It was true, she realized. Jem would understand, he'd understand anything. If she said one word, the wedding would be off. He'd wait for her as long as he could, even if that meant dying before he got her. But how was that fair? Jem loved her, and why should he have to waste his precious little time waiting for her to accept she would never be Tessa Gray again? He was too good for that. Too kind, too pure. He deserved love, and she would give it to him.

"No," she whispered. "I cannot do that to him."

He nodded and then leaned his forehead against hers. "Then after today we can no longer have what we have."

"I know," it came out as an almost groan, sounding far too desperate.

He tenderly pulled her against him by her waist, letting his hands rest there. She laced her arms around his neck, running her fingers through his dark hair as she did. This was innocent, she told herself fiercely. She wouldn't kiss him, she wouldn't betray Jem like that. She was just letting go of what she had once wanted.

"I can't kiss you," she said roughly as his lips brushed hers. "I won't do that to Jem."

"This isn't about Jem," said Will. "This is about you, and this is about me. Us."

"There is no 'us' without Jem," she reminded him.

"I love you, Tess," he said after a long moment of silence. "I will love you for as long as I live. Even longer if it's possible. After today, I will never get to look at you like this again, be close to you like this. Just. . .give me this moment. One last time. It's all I ask of you."

Tears welled in her eyes, pouring down her face from underneath her eyelashes. He held her shuddering body and kissed the tears from her face, making her cry even harder. It was so strange, all she wanted to do was live this moment over and over again for the rest of her life. It was wrong, she knew, and that's why it had to end.

She gently pressed her lips against his, and then took a step backward, separating herself from his grasp. She touched his face with her gloved hand. "You'll be all right," she said so quietly, she barely heard herself.

He looked her straight in the eyes and she saw everything he had ever pent up inside because of his curse. Before she could say anything, he turned and left. She stood alone, in the middle of her bedroom now, the ghost of his lips still on hers. Her tears had stopped falling, but her heart was breaking once again. It hurt more than it ever had before.

"Goodbye, Will," she whispered.

**Please review! :) **


	2. In Her Eyes

**A/N: Takes place about a week after the events of Clockwork Prince. WillxCecily**

**Thank you to those who reviewed my last chapter, (PanicxAtxThexDiscoxFan, the ticking clock, and 3 guests) I cried and then smiled like an idiot for three hours. (Not really, but almost!)  
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**Disclaimer: I do not own The Infernal Devices nor any of its characters (unfortunately)  
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In Her Eyes

_For the Angel's sake, stop staring, _Will told himself angrily as his eyes passed over Tessa at the other side of the table. He was sitting a little ways away from the group. Jem and Tessa sat next to each other on one side, Cecily and Henry at the other, and Charlotte at the head. They were all engaged in their own discussions. Cecily was asking Charlotte about training – when she started, who would teach her. She had only been at the London Institute for a week and she was making herself quite at home, but Will would change that. He wanted this life for himself, but not for her. Henry was working on some new gadget, a completely ridiculous looking thing with all sorts of springs. He paid no attention to the conversations surrounding him – as usual. And Jem was whispering something into Tessa's ear, she laughed, leaning into him.

Will felt a pang of jealousy course through his body. His teeth gritted painfully against each other as he looked down at his plate. He had not touched one bit of the food, and he had no plan to. It had been days since he had eaten. Ever since learning of Jem and Tessa's engagement, his appetite had been eluding him. Charlotte had forced him to eat a couple days ago. He had taken one bite and then left the dining area with Charlotte and Jem calling after him. Both Tessa and Cecily had been quiet, silently observing his strange behavior.

He let his fork clatter onto his plate in frustration. He wasn't supposed to feel this way. He wasn't supposed to be covetous of his _parabatai. _He was supposed to be happy for him. He was supposed to share his joy and celebration, but all he could do was look at Tessa and wonder what would have happened if that bastard demon hadn't tricked him. If he hadn't gone through the last five years of his life believing that he couldn't let anyone in. She would be his. His Tessa.

"Will," said a soft voice, bringing him out of his self-loathing trance. He looked up to find everyone staring at him, concern in their brows. Even Henry had put aside his project. It was Tessa who had spoken, he realized. His throat went dry as his eyes met hers and any attempt at a less-than-polite retort vanished from his mind. "Are you all right?"

He looked around the table, not making eye contact with any of them, but instead looking through them. He didn't deserve to be worried about or cared about. Even if it wouldn't hurt them. He just didn't deserve their love; he wouldn't take it. He looked down at his plate again and picked up the fork. All he wanted to do was throw it across the room, lodge it deep in the wall, but he just tossed the peas around his plate with it.

"So, when is the wedding, Tessa?" Cecily's voice chimed high and clear, grabbing Will's attention instantly. Wedding. Could he not go through one day without hearing that word?

Will stood abruptly, the chair falling behind him as he did. He looked at Jem, then Tessa. At how close they were. He suddenly couldn't breathe. _Will this ever end?_ He thought to himself desperately before leaving the room, letting the doors swing shut loudly behind him.

He walked until he reached the library. It was dim, there was no fire burning, and only two witchlight lamps glowed. It was calm, which was exactly what Will needed at that moment. He walked over to the fireplace, intending to light a fire, but he just grasped the mantle and stared into the empty fire pit. It wasn't supposed to still be like this. The pain was supposed to end with the curse. Tessa was supposed to forgive him for his treatment of her. Deep down he had known, she had known that the real him would have never demeaned her in that way. It had been the most painful thing he had ever done and it still haunted him. He knew she knew that, but it didn't matter anymore. While he was busy being a fool, she was busy falling in love with Jem. The thought sent a shudder through his entire body.

"The fireplace is often warmer when lit," Cecily's voice broke the silence in two.

Will sighed. All he wanted was to be alone. "Who gave you the grand tour?" he inquired, not turning to look at her. It certainly hadn't been him.

"Jem," she answered. "He's been very kind to me. As has Tessa. She told me where I'd find you." Her voice slowed as she said Tessa, as if testing how the name would affect her brother.

Will's throat tightened. "Yes," he said, his voice slightly constricted. "They are quite wonderful people. Perfect for each other, really."

"Come along, Will," said Cecily, sitting in one of the plush chairs opposite her brother. "You don't truly believe that."

"I do. I mean it. They will make each other happy."

"Please, save me your lies. I am your sister. You can be honest with me," a small smile hinted at the corner of her mouth. "You're in love with her. Your _parabatai's _betrothed. I can see it all in your eyes. I think everyone can. It's quite tragic, isn't it."

Will spun to face her. "You don't even know what a _parabatai_ is," he spat.

"I know enough, dear brother, to know that it's an impossible situation. Is that why you put on the theatrics? Is it for your own benefit? Or hers. . .?" She leaned forward, an interested expression on her face.

His eyes narrowed. "Why are you taunting me, Cecily?"

"I'm merely asking questions. It interests me, the life you built yourself here after leaving us. It seems to me, it would have been better if you had stayed."

"In hindsight," he agreed bitterly.

In truth, the only thing he regretted was believing Marbas. He didn't regret becoming a Shadowhunter. It was his calling, his purpose in life. He didn't regret meeting Jem, who changed him in ways no one else could. And he certainly didn't regret meeting Tessa, beautiful Tessa. Even after everything he had gone through and was going through with her, he couldn't imagine a life in which she was not.

"Please, leave," said Will in a defeated voice. He turned back to the mantle, bracing himself against it with his hands. His knuckles were white, his head clouded with regrets and memories he'd rather forget.

He heard her sigh and move toward the door. "You know, Will, I see it in her eyes, too."

Will gripped the mantle tighter, afraid that his legs might give out. He didn't need this. Not now. Cecily was doing this on purpose, because she was angry with him for abandoning their family. He had broken the heart of his family in the name of their safety, but Cecily didn't know that. She couldn't know that. If she did, she would pity him. The last thing he wanted was pity.

He waited for her to just tell him what she saw, but she didn't. He groaned impatiently. "_Must_ I guess? What do you see, Cecily?"

He turned his head to look at her, afraid to let go of the stone mantle. A small smile played at the corners of her mouth. "Love," she answered, and then left the library, leaving Will stunned in her wake.

**Please review! You know you want to! :) **


	3. Dreaming With a Broken Heart

**A/N: This one takes place right after the last one, loosely related but only by reference. WillxTessa.**

**I was actually going to hold out on posting this one for a few days, but I'm just too impatient! Enjoy, my lovelies!  
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**Oh, and of course, thank you all for the awesome reviews! I honestly wasn't expecting them to be that great! xoxo**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Infernal Devices nor any of its characters. Obviously.  
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Dreaming With a Broken Heart

_There was a quiet knock at the door, the soft sound of knuckles rapping against wood with uncertainty. Tessa pulled her covers back and lowered herself out of bed. The carpet was soft against her bare feet as she tip-toed across the room. She grasped the door knob and turned it, pulling the door open quickly. A small gasp of surprise escaped her lips. She had been expecting Jem, but Will was now standing before her. _

_ "Tess," he said lowly, not bothering to wait for her to invite him in. In one stride, he was directly in front of her, close enough to touch. Tessa's heart leapt wildly as it always did in close proximity to him. He took her face in his calloused hands, tracing her cheekbones lightly with his thumbs before leaning down to kiss her. His mouth crushed hers, demanding and gentle at the same time. It was urgent, this kiss, like there was no time. Tessa kissed him back desperately, entwining her fingers in his hair and pulling herself against him so not even an inch of space existed between them. He groaned against her mouth, pushing her backward, toward her bed. _

_ "Will," she gasped as his hands began traveling her body. He pulled her night dress up and slipped his hand underneath, feeling the bare skin on her thigh, sending fire through her entire body. They fell onto the bed together, his weight pressing her into the mattress. _

_ It wasn't until he was bare-chested and she was straddled over him, kissing down his neck that she realized she was dreaming. She sat up straight upon the realization, looking down on his confused face. She swallowed hard. He was perfect. Everything about him. There were no flaws, no scars. His eyes were bright, the skin under them perfectly flesh colored. He was the complete opposite of the Will she had seen at dinner tonight. That Will was distraught, exhausted, and in pain. That Will was miserable. This Will was a Will she had never seen before. A happy Will. Her bottom lip trembled. _

_ "What's wrong?" he asked her, sitting up and placing his arms around her. _

_ She leaned forward, resting her cheek against his. "I'm dreaming," she whispered in his ear. "You're not real. You're not happy." _

_ "No," he said, pulling her away so he could look at her. "And it's because of you." _

_ Tessa's lips parted and her eyes widened. Will was never one to blame anybody but himself. "I never wanted to hurt you," she cried. _

_ "But you did, did you not?" He pulled away to look at her. His eyes sparkled in the darkness. _

_ She watched in horror as he faded away, leaving her alone on her bed, clutching her heart as if it would fall out of her chest. _

Tessa woke violently, sitting upright, with one word on her lips.

_Will_.

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"_You aren't _good_ enough," a voice whispered in Will's ear. _

_ His eyes flew open. Tessa was standing at the side of his bed, smiling down on him. There was something off about her, she didn't have that vulnerable look on her face that had made his heart beat uncontrollably. She looked. . .smug. It wasn't a characteristic that he would ever associate with his Tessa, but here she was. _

_ "Tessa," he said, strangled by surprise and confusion. _

_ "Jem is good. Heart and soul. It surprises me that he's even put up with someone like you for so long. I mean, really, you didn't expect me to choose _you_ over _him_, did you?" She laughed, a high, unsettling sound. "You thought I could actually love you. One has to _care_ to love, Will. You know that." _

_ "So you don't even care for me?" _

_ "You were horrible to me," she told him, leaning forward. "How could I care for someone that heartless, that cruel._

_ "I didn't mean it," he whispered. "You know that-" _

_ "But you were a fool," she snapped. "You were gullible. You made yourself bad, no one else is at fault but yourself. You wanted me and I wanted you, but you lost me. Forever. Now I love Jem, and I could never love a fool like you again. Don't you understand?" _

_ "What do you want from me?" he demanded, looking over at her. It wasn't her anymore, though, it was himself. He had his arms crossed over his chest, a smirk on his face. _

_ "I want you to die, William. Just put everyone out of their misery already." _

Will woke, gasping. It had been a short dream, but a disturbing one nonetheless. His throat was tight with the thought of suicide, his body trembling. He needed air.

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Tessa walked through the halls of the Institute. It was late; no one was awake but herself. There was no one to see her leave. All she needed was some air, perhaps a short walk. Her dream had unsettled her. She was suddenly feeling incredibly guilty. Every breath felt as if she was being smothered with remorse. Why couldn't she just dream of Jem? With him, it was so easy. With Will, it was like pulling her own hair out. How could something that didn't exist be so painful?

With a sigh, she pulled open the front door to the Institute. A dark figure was sitting just outside, on the top step, his head in his hands, his black hair mussed and his clothes wrinkled. She was beginning to wonder whether or not he ever changed for bed.

"Will," she said. "What are you doing out here?"

He craned his neck to look at her, a look of surprise and anxiety on his face. "I should ask you the same thing."

"I – I couldn't sleep," she admitted, her dream replaying in her head. Dream Will entered her mind's eye, so perfect and happy. Well rested, and put together. That was the Will she wanted to see, the one that she wished was a reality. Instead, real-life Will sat before her, looking horribly tired and wretched. The skin under his eyes was verging on purple, his hair was longer than he liked to keep it, his voice hoarse, his beautiful blue eyes nearly black. It was painful to watch him like this.

"Welcome to the world of insomnia," Will said without animation and then changed the subject. "You do know that you would not have been able to get back in if I had not been out here."

She had completely forgotten about that. Only a Shadowhunter with Shadowhunter blood could enter the Institute. Being whatever she was, she would have been trapped outside until morning when someone came looking for her.

"Well, then I suppose it's a good thing you are."

She went to sit next to him, and his body tensed. Every muscle, it seemed, was coiled to spring away from her. As if she was an enemy, as if she would hurt him. She looked down at her hands, at the raised mark that the hot poker had left on her skin. It was a constant reminder of the night she broke him in two, of the night whatever light he had inside of him died before her very eyes. It didn't even seem as though he was alive anymore; just a ghost walking the corridors, passing time. He didn't make sarcastic comments to ridiculous questions. He barely spoke to Jem, who was worried out of his mind. In fact, he never spoke unless spoken to. This wasn't the Will they had all grown to love. This was just a shell of his former self.

"Will," said Tessa, tearing her eyes from her scar. "Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say, Tess?" he asked, his eyes on something far away. Something that didn't even exist, Tessa suspected. He'd been doing it a lot lately, disappearing into his own agonizing memories and shutting out the entire world in the process.

"Anything," she begged breathlessly. She just wanted to hear him say something longer than a few mandatory words. She wanted to hear him talk about books and poetry again. Although, she had seen him in the library a lot, but he was never reading. Just watching the fire with dead eyes, consumed in his thoughts. She doubted he was even reading anymore.

"Sometimes I wonder if death would be easier," said Will solemnly, still staring off into nothing. "If this life is just the beginning and something better is waiting for me on the other side. No one here would miss me much. I could disappear. Put everyone out of their misery."

Tessa's lips parted and she inhaled sharply. "Will!" she scolded. "Why would you ever think that?"

He looked at her harshly. "Why wouldI _not_ think it? I am poison. I will always be poison, whether I am cursed or not."

"Stop being absurd," Tessa ordered fiercely. "If you are sincerely thinking about taking your own life, I will tell Charlotte and Henry and we'll lock you up in a room and _I _will watch you until you no longer think such thoughts."

A fleeting smile crossed his face. It wasn't a real smile, but an impatient one. One that told Tessa that _she_ was being the absurd one.

"I'm not going to take my own life," he told her callously. "Not yet. I wouldn't do that to Jem. But after he's gone what left do I have?"

"You have me," she told him sternly, taking his face in her hands. "You will always have _me_."

"Not in the way I want you," he reminded her bitterly.

"Will," she whispered.

"Stop worrying about me, Tessa," he demanded suddenly. "I can see the _pity_ in your eyes." He said_ pity_ as if it was a curse, his teeth baring as he said it. "It's easier for me if you _stop caring_."

She swallowed and it hurt. "Easier for you? Or easier for me?" It was a struggle to keep her voice level. "Stop being a martyr, Will. I will always worry for you." She dropped her hands from his face. "I will not stand by and watch you hurt yourself."

His eyebrows shot up. "_Hurt _myself?" he said, his voice rising. "You are the authority on _that_." He grabbed her wrist and held her scarred hand to her face. "_This _is the definition of hurting oneself."

"You're deflecting," she snapped, pulling her wrist from his grasp. "Who told you?"

"Jem," he said darkly. "He wanted to know if I had any idea as to why you would do it."

"And did you tell him?" she wondered aloud. Jem wasn't supposed to know she did it on purpose. She told him the same story she had told everyone else; that it had been an accident. She had grabbed the wrong side of the poker. It was weak, she knew, but nobody had asked questions. The only person who knew the truth was Sophie. And Sophie could never lie to Jem. If he had asked her about it, the truth would have come pouring out.

"I told him I had no idea. And it was the truth. I still cannot figure out why you would do such a thing."

"After we spoke," she whispered, her voice catching. "Something broke inside of me. I had to feel something. Anything. So I burned myself." She looked down. "I am not proud of it."

They were both silent for a few moments, neither of them quite knowing what to say next. The night was as quiet as they were, swallowing everything in its vast emptiness. Tessa abruptly felt very lonely despite Will by her side. She was about to speak, but he began before she could.

"I'm sorry," said Will quietly. "For my. . .theatrics, as Cecily calls them. It wasn't right of me to run out on dinner like that."

"I understand why you were upset. I was going to come looking for you, but Cecily insisted she should. I suppose it was for the better; my presence would have done more harm than good. As I'm suspecting it is now."

His brow furrowed, his knuckles turning white as he clenched his fists. "I don't think you realize how difficult it is for me to look at you and know I can never have you."

_I understand_, she thought sadly. _I understand far more than you know_.

"I'm not sure what to say, Will," she sighed.

"Don't say anything," he told her, returning his eyes to the far-off object that didn't exist. "I don't need you to say anything."

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**As always, please leave a review! **


	4. Reasons to Lie

**A/N: Okay so I'm just going to warn you all now that this is definitely not my best work. I am beyond exhausted, but I still wanted to write something and post before I left on vacation just to hold you guys over :) I PROMISE when I get back I will write something extra long and extra angsty! **

**_Anyway_, this takes place probably somewhere after the last two, not really sure when. WillxTessa; Tessa's guilt over Jem not knowing about Will's feelings for her and vice versa.  
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**And as usual thank you all _so_ much for the reviews. They make me super happy :)  
**

**I do not own The Infernal Devices nor any of the characters.**

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Reasons to Lie

Tessa waited impatiently outside of Jem's bedroom, her fingers fiddling as if it would make a difference. Will would let her in when Jem was ready to see her. Of course he would. It had been nearly an hour since Will had forcefully shoved her out of the room and locked the door upon Jem's silent request. The way those two could almost read each other's thoughts was just infuriating. Lately, all they'd been doing was conspiring against her. Making secret plans, keeping her unaware of Jem's increasingly frequent bouts of illness. It was as if they thought she would break. She was marrying Jem, she should be less protected from the truth, not more.

She leaned her head against the wall; her crinolette protested as she crushed it. It was impossible to bring herself to care about her hair anymore, or her dresses, or her books, or anything but Jem and, as much as she hated to admit, Will. These two boys had completely consumed her with their dangerous lives, their breakable hearts, their painful pasts and nightmarish presents. Her stomach was constantly knotted with fierce worry. She was terrified of what would happen when Jem's time ran out; of what would happen when Will decided his own time meant nothing anymore. There was nothing more petrifying than the thought of losing both Will and Jem, Tessa realized with a jolt. They had taken her heart, and she knew she would never get it back. Not fully.

Jem's door opened slowly, and Will emerged, pulling it closed behind him. Tessa stood up straight and waited for him to tell her she could see Jem now, but he just looked at her with sad blue eyes. She couldn't tell if she was imagining things, but he looked much worse than he had when he pushed her out of the bedroom a mere hour earlier. His eyes were darker, his posture slightly slumped; he seemed more intense, more. . .desperate. Tessa swallowed hard.

"Can I see him?" she asked quietly.

He watched her for a moment. His expression was blank, impossible to read. She supposed she should get used to that. "No," he told her hoarsely.

When he didn't offer her an explanation, Tessa took it upon herself to push past him. He grabbed her elbow and pulled her back so she was facing him. A small part of her mind registered how close she was to him. It only made her fight harder to escape his grasp.

"Will," she said, trying to pull her elbow out of his iron clad grip. "Will, let go of me this instant."

In response, he spun her so he could lead her down the hallway and away from Jem.

"Wha- Will!" she shrieked in surprise. Her heels dug into the floor as she leaned away from him, hoping her dead weight would be enough for him to let go. "Will, stop it! What are you doing?"

"I need to speak with you," he said, turning abruptly into another corridor.

"You are so _selfish_," Tessa accused ruthlessly, her voice high-pitched and piercing. like a silver bell ringing in dead silence.

Will stopped unexpectedly, letting go of Tessa as he did. She fell to the ground, and stared up at him. She had gone too far, she knew. Her words ricocheted in the space around her. Selfish was never a word she would use to describe him – at least, not now. Not after she knew all the reasons he had done the things he had done.

"Will, I-" she started, desperate to apologize.

"Get up," he growled.

She complied, standing without his help and wondering whether he would still want to speak with her.

"Listen," he said, pulling her close to him by her forearm. He spoke lowly, as if he were telling her a very important secret. "Jem is asleep. He wanted me to talk to you, to tell you what he told me. Got it?" Tessa nodded numbly. "He wanted me to tell you that after he's gone, you won't be alone." Her eyebrows furrowed. She wasn't understanding. Before she could ask, he continued. "He made me promise to take care of you, make sure you're safe. He made me promise I wouldn't leave you when he's gone."

She knew what he was saying. Jem had made Will promise that he wouldn't take his own life after his _parabatai_ was no longer alive.

He took a deep breath. "I won't leave you, Tessa." He took her face in his hands. "Jem didn't give me much of a choice, but if I had one, I would still choose you."

Tessa swallowed and looked down. "Are you sure about that?"

His lips parted. "Of course," he said as if it was obvious.

His fingers lingered on her cheeks for a moment before he let them fall to his sides. Here she was, the woman he would give anything for, standing so close to him and yet he could not hold her. He could not kiss her. He could not love her – not without guilt, not without remorse.

"And he has no idea," said Tessa thoughtfully. "No idea of what you feel for me, yet he still expects you to be there for me until the day you die. I find it hardly believable."

"He does not know," Will confirmed. "Unless you've told him."

Tessa shook her head. "No, no of course not. However," she took a deep breath, afraid of his reaction. "I think he needs to know."

"You promised," he reminded her harshly.

"Will, I cannot go on keeping this from him."

Will stepped away from her, wiping his hand over his face. "If you tell him, he will let me have you. You realize that, don't you?"

"Is that not what you want?" Tessa asked, becoming increasingly frustrated.

"Of course!" he shouted at her. Her eyes went wide, and he took a breath to calm himself. "Of course, that's what I want. It's all I have wanted since the moment I met you. But it is not what he wants. He wants happiness. I want you to give that to him. If you tell him this, he will never _really_ be happy."

"I must tell him, Will. I'm sorry."

"This is about me, not you. It is not your secret to tell, Tessa." His voice was low, verging on angry. Tessa could see exactly how badly she was betraying him, but she couldn't do it anymore. It was better to tell Jem, than for him to start noticing the exchanged glances, the horrible tension. He had to know.

"But it is, Will," she told him sharply.

He inhaled audibly. "_Why_?"

He was so frustrating. Could he not see that she had lied to him to protect him? The truth would have only hurt him more because it didn't matter. She was still marrying Jem. "Because I love you," she blurted before she could stop herself.

His eyes blazed, his jaw locked. He looked at her as if she had just murdered someone in cold blood. There was no trust in his eyes, just intense confusion and hurt.

"You're lying," said Will, narrowing his eyes and stepping away from her.

"I was," Tessa admitted carefully. "When you asked me if I loved you and I told you that you couldn't come first in my heart. But I'm not lying now."

He blinked uncomprehendingly. "I don't think I understand."

"I couldn't tell you the truth, Will. I shouldn't have told you now. I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want to hurt Jem. I couldn't," she took a deep breath. "I couldn't do that. But now I know, lying hurts both of you more than the truth ever could. So, please, let me tell him."

He was still looking at her, completely stunned. "It doesn't matter what I say," he said, looking through her. "You will tell him one way or another."

Tessa bit her lip and said. "I'm sorry," and then ran back the way they had come.

* * *

**A/N II: I was originally going to include the scene where Tessa tells Jem everything, but that will have to wait. The creative juices are running thin tonight!  
**

**P.S. I am now officially taking prompts/suggestions/requests! If you have any ideas, go ahead and PM me! **

**Review, please! I can tell you're just dying to!  
**


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